Love at Times Square
Director: Dev Anand
Starring: Dev Anand, Henee Kaushik, Shoeb
Khan, Chaitanya Chaudhary, Siya Rana.
Music: Rajesh Roshan, Aadesh Shrivastava,
Lucky Ali & Adnan Sami; Lyrics: Various
Year: 2003
Running Time: 155 minutes
In the titular footsteps of such Bollywood
classics as Love in Tokyo, Love in Simla and Love in Singapore comes a
crash and burn car wreck titled Love at Times Square. A car wreck though
doesn’t really give this misbegotten film the justice it deserves – it’s
a 20-car pileup on the freeway with CNN live coverage. It is astonishing
in its ineptitude. It makes it appear that the last 100 years of film never
took place. It sets new abysmal standards in acting, in costume design,
in dialogue, in focusing the damn camera and in nearly every aspect of
the film making process. I sat stunned in my seat that someone, somewhere
really thought this film should be released on an unsuspecting public.
Did someone really say to the writer/producer/director/actor after seeing
the film “congratulations – a marvelous accomplishment!” and actually mean
it?
Of course, since the person who filled all of
these roles was the legendary Dev Anand it is very likely that no one had
the nerve to tell the truth – or simply didn’t have the heart to tell an
old man with many great films behind him that time has badly passed him
by. With films like Jewel Thief, Guide and CID to his credit back in the
1950's/60’s it is a bit sad seeing something like this appear on the screen
- no doubt this man loves film and loves being involved even at 79 years
of age – but it so feels like a last ego gurgle from a once great actor
and filmmaker. Someone should have said no.
Now in reality the entire audience of three in
the theater had a great time watching this film. One always feels a bit
guilty enjoying a film that is so shockingly bad that it is entertaining
– it seems somewhat patronizing and insensitive – but damn this was so
amateurish and cheerfully cheesy that I just allowed myself to free fall
along with it. Every absurd and exaggerated utterance had us shouting out
imitations, every flash of abundant cleavage had us hooting like frat boys,
every ridiculous plot point had us chortling, every shot of happy waving
Americans had us rolling our eyes in disbelief – it is not just a freeway
pileup – it is a freeway pileup choreographed by the Bowery Boys.
Dev Anand plays a wealthy Indian who has moved
to Silicon Valley after his wife died in an airplane crash (out of the
wreckage he picks up her detached arm with ring attached – he keeps
the ring as a memento but apparently not the arm). Here he throws parties
for really unattractive NRI’s and even less attractive white people (all
the white folks have that thin pasty badly coiffed B movie extra look of
the 1970's) and has a Congressman who speaks perfect Hindi fawn over him
and a seven piece girl band flirt with him. It has the look of one of those
old Hugh Hefner parties at the Playboy mansion and one is almost expecting
someone to shout out "orgy!" He also has a daughter (Henee Kaushik) who
lives in a swank New York apartment and is a supposed reporter for an Indian
TV network – she films her reports with a tiny camcorder that she got out
of a crackerjack box and seems to spend a minimum amount of time working.
In fact, she apparently only works New Year Eves – the privileges of the
wealthy I guess. New Years Eve 2001 takes place in Time Square and she
meets two men that night who are going to stalk her for the next year with
corny lines like “Sweetie (her name) I would take a thousand bullets for
you” incessantly with the sincerity of a stock analyst.
One of the guys is Shoeb Khan who has this simpering
smile and weird pale blue eyes that would make you reluctant to leave him
alone with your children for more than a minute. If they ever do a version
of the film M – he is the man to play the Peter Lorre role – but as a romantic
lead he gave me the willies. The other guy who is jousting for Sweetie’s
heart is Chaitanya Chaudhary – a poor fellow without a dime to his name
but so much love in his heart that I was concerned it would spill over
and create a toxic waste dump. So this threesome zip back and forth between
New York and Silicon Valley for the next year exchanging bad dialogue and
worse dance steps. Sweetie declares that she will pick one of them on the
next New Year’s Eve – que drama. It’s like a low budget version of The
Bachlorette.
At one point they witness the World Trade Center
disaster – and Anand writes out a check for $1,000,000 that he sends to
Rudy along with solemn words of encouragement. Later they attend the Concert
of a Lifetime with Shahrukh Khan, Rani Mukerjee and Hrithik Roshan
- the concert hall is about the size of your living room and much to my
surprise the stars do not show – a terrorist attack keeps them away – so
the terrorists go after Henee instead – they mistake her for a Bollywood
star – something anyone watching this film would never do.
The best part of the film for me was the seven
member all female band that wants to be bigger than Mozart and the Beatles
combined – and plays some weird sax driven music that is sort of indefinable
but quite bad. The head of the group is Angela (Siya Rana) who has more
cleavage than a city block and looks lustfully Freudian playing her cello
between her legs. She struts her sizable charms and her old man eating
smile in front of poor Anand while she asks him “do you know anyone who
is wealthy and would like to promote our band?” It is all Anand can do
not to perform a happy dance in one of his assortment of flea market hats.
Every time she enters a scene he almost drools and reaches for his Viagra
as he tries to give her an encouraging squeeze. Clearly, her talent is
primarily upfront and if she doesn't make it to the top of the music world
I understand there is an opening at Hooters. Not that Dev is much different
in his scenes with Sweetie – this is a very loving father/daughter relationship
in which most conversations go like this “Sweetie I love you”, “Dad I love
you”, “Sweetie you are the greatest”, “Dad you’re the best”. “Sweetie I
love you”, "Dad, what's that bulge in your pants" and then he gives her
a big hug and a very satisfied smile appears on his face. So basically
the reason for the film comes down to Anand being able to hang around a
couple young women and getting some hugs from them.
Though the music had some very talented people
involved – it is clear these were throw away pieces – none of them are
at all memorable except for the last rather discoish and silly Love in
Times Square. The picturization is also very weak – one number has a guest
appearance from Salman Khan and he looks as if he had been given the moves
about two minutes previous to filming. Another little number has the three
of them trading moves in a disco in which they do their best not to step
on anyone’s foot.
My rating for this film: 2.0