Women from Mars
If this had been a Star Trek episode it might
have been fun. Imagine the Enterprise is on its merry way trolling through
the galaxies when Kirk receives an urgent message that a sudden gigantic
black hole has opened up in the universe and is sucking the life force
of earth into it. Upon investigating, Spock realizes that the cause of
this frightening turn of events comes from the past and that the crew and
ship have to travel back in time to stop the destruction of earth and possibly
the entire solar system.
Spock “Captain – all indications are that the
beginning of this originated around the year 2002 in a small city state
on the edge of Greater China – a place called Hong Kong”
Kirk “I recall reading about Hong Kong when
I was a child – a mysterious place that somehow made wonderful movies full
of flash and lightening”.
Spock “Hmmm – apparently not by 2002 – it seems
that movies were dying from something called Idolism that has managed to
squash all originality and these filmmakers were only allowed to produce
tedious comedies and cheesy horror films. Very sad – to see a once thriving
civilization fall so low. “
Kirk “But damn it Spock, what does this have
to do with the black hole in space?”
Spock “My gravitational directional finder
is pointing towards a movie set down below. The answer must lie there.
Look – unless I am mistaken – those two actors - yes the one with
the unruly hair and stone face and the other one on the verge of chunkiness
with the cigar – they are creating a deadly anti-dimensional force field
when they act together and it is leaking into space. This is where it began.”
Kirk “We have to stop them – we have to destroy
this sect of Idolism. Bring back real actors. What’s happening? Scotty
– we are losing force – what is the problem”
Scotty “I dinna know Captain, it’s an incredible
sucking force – its pulling us in – its coming from those huge red voluptuous
lips on that actress – I’ve never seen anything like them – we’re goners!”
If only that had been the story. Instead Andrew
Lau gives us Ekin Cheng, Michael Wong and Cheung Tat-ming in as tired a
comedy as one could stumble over in a morgue. Here is yet another parable
of men learning how to be sensitive towards the needs of women. We had
Mel Gibson doing it by being able to listen in on the thoughts of women,
and then Francis Ng and Daniel Wu had to grow breasts in order to be sensitive
guys - and now this. I have nothing against being sensitive to a
woman’s needs – I can even compliment their shoes if need be – but do we
have to lose our penises? Can’t we just watch Phil Donahue on TV – that
should be less painful than losing an old friend.
This odious threesome treat women and relationships
like a convenience store – good to have them around when you need them
but otherwise you pass them by without a thought. Ekin is in a competition
to score to a 100 first with Stephen Fung – that would be 100 women and
as a hairdresser he is in constant contact with beautiful women who want
him. He meets a sweet radio DJ (Kui Wing) and plans to make her the centennial.
Michael Wong has returned from Oxford to his village
where he has readily taken on their custom of male chauvinism – women are
even gagged during village meetings so that they can’t talk – all this
not much to the liking of his old girlfriend, Ruby Wong. Cheung Tat-ming’s
girlfriend (Audrey Fang) comes to him with news that she is pregnant and
he callously gives her HK$ 100 for a train ticket to Shenzen for an abortion.
Clearly these three are meant for Hell and that’s
exactly where Hsu Chi takes them in her cute little devil horns and sexy
red vinyl dress – she also takes away their penises and sends them back
to the world to see what life is like without one. The film just trudges
along falling flat like a Saturday night drunk every step of the way. It
almost feels like they are just making it up as they go along and there
is just no zip or pace to the film whatsoever.
At least one must give Lau some credit -
when he and producer Manfred Wong want someone in their film, they have
the clout to get them. So making appearances or cameos are Pinky Cheung
(now Pinky did have zip I have to say), Louis Koo (other devil), Josie
Ho (old girlfriend of Ekin), Kristy Yeung (another old girlfriend), Angela
Tong (mahjong player), Amanda Lee (store clerk), Yuen King-tan (woman in
pet store), Spencer Lam and Wong Tin Lam (the two village elders), Francis
Ng (radio station manager), Wayne Lai (rival DJ), Matt Chow (the cameraman)
and though I couldn't spot them the HKMDB credits many of the Y&D crew
with being in it - I assume the triad choppers in Hell.
Kirk “Scotty, my penis has disappeared!”
Scotty “Sorry Captain but you only let it get
you into trouble and I needed it to fix the hyperdrive”
Spock “Don’t look at me Jim, I don’t even know
what one looks like.”
My rating for this film: 5.0