Women from Mars

If this had been a Star Trek episode it might have been fun. Imagine the Enterprise is on its merry way trolling through the galaxies when Kirk receives an urgent message that a sudden gigantic black hole has opened up in the universe and is sucking the life force of earth into it. Upon investigating, Spock realizes that the cause of this frightening turn of events comes from the past and that the crew and ship have to travel back in time to stop the destruction of earth and possibly the entire solar system.
Sucking th life force from us all!

Spock “Captain – all indications are that the beginning of this originated around the year 2002 in a small city state on the edge of Greater China – a place called Hong Kong”

Kirk “I recall reading about Hong Kong when I was a child – a mysterious place that somehow made wonderful movies full of flash and lightening”.

Spock “Hmmm – apparently not by 2002 – it seems that movies were dying from something called Idolism that has managed to squash all originality and these filmmakers were only allowed to produce tedious comedies and cheesy horror films. Very sad – to see a once thriving civilization fall so low. “

Kirk “But damn it Spock, what does this have to do with the black hole in space?”

Spock “My gravitational directional finder is pointing towards a movie set down below. The answer must lie there. Look – unless I am mistaken – those two actors  - yes the one with the unruly hair and stone face and the other one on the verge of chunkiness with the cigar – they are creating a deadly anti-dimensional force field when they act together and it is leaking into space. This is where it began.”

Kirk “We have to stop them – we have to destroy this sect of Idolism. Bring back real actors. What’s happening? Scotty – we are losing force – what is the problem”

Scotty “I dinna know Captain, it’s an incredible sucking force – its pulling us in – its coming from those huge red voluptuous lips on that actress – I’ve never seen anything like them – we’re goners!”

Yuen King-tan, Cheung Tat-ming, Ekin and Pinky

If only that had been the story. Instead Andrew Lau gives us Ekin Cheng, Michael Wong and Cheung Tat-ming in as tired a comedy as one could stumble over in a morgue. Here is yet another parable of men learning how to be sensitive towards the needs of women. We had Mel Gibson doing it by being able to listen in on the thoughts of women, and then Francis Ng and Daniel Wu had to grow breasts in order to be sensitive guys  - and now this. I have nothing against being sensitive to a woman’s needs – I can even compliment their shoes if need be – but do we have to lose our penises? Can’t we just watch Phil Donahue on TV – that should be less painful than losing an old friend.

Ruby Wong and Kui Wing
This odious threesome treat women and relationships like a convenience store – good to have them around when you need them but otherwise you pass them by without a thought. Ekin is in a competition to score to a 100 first with Stephen Fung – that would be 100 women and as a hairdresser he is in constant contact with beautiful women who want him. He meets a sweet radio DJ (Kui Wing) and plans to make her the centennial.
Audrey Fang and Hsu Chi
Michael Wong has returned from Oxford to his village where he has readily taken on their custom of male chauvinism – women are even gagged during village meetings so that they can’t talk – all this not much to the liking of his old girlfriend, Ruby Wong. Cheung Tat-ming’s girlfriend (Audrey Fang) comes to him with news that she is pregnant and he callously gives her HK$ 100 for a train ticket to Shenzen for an abortion.
Hsu Chi, Michael, Ekin and Louis Koo
Clearly these three are meant for Hell and that’s exactly where Hsu Chi takes them in her cute little devil horns and sexy red vinyl dress – she also takes away their penises and sends them back to the world to see what life is like without one. The film just trudges along falling flat like a Saturday night drunk every step of the way. It almost feels like they are just making it up as they go along and there is just no zip or pace to the film whatsoever.
Francis Ng, Wayne Lai, Spencer Lam and Wong Tin Lam
At least one must give Lau some credit  - when he and producer Manfred Wong want someone in their film, they have the clout to get them. So making appearances or cameos are Pinky Cheung (now Pinky did have zip I have to say), Louis Koo (other devil), Josie Ho (old girlfriend of Ekin), Kristy Yeung (another old girlfriend), Angela Tong (mahjong player), Amanda Lee (store clerk), Yuen King-tan (woman in pet store), Spencer Lam and Wong Tin Lam (the two village elders), Francis Ng (radio station manager), Wayne Lai (rival DJ), Matt Chow (the cameraman) and though I couldn't spot them the HKMDB credits many of the Y&D crew with being in it - I assume the triad choppers in Hell.
Amanda Lee, Kristy Yeung, Angela Tong and Josie Ho (clockwise)

Kirk “Scotty, my penis has disappeared!”

Scotty “Sorry Captain but you only let it get you into trouble and I needed it to fix the hyperdrive”

Spock “Don’t look at me Jim, I don’t even know what one looks like.”

My rating for this film: 5.0