Love on the Rocks
If cuteness was a currency, this film would be
able to pay off our national debt. Everyone here reeks of cuteness like
a week stay at Disney World or a tour through a Hello Kitty factory. Not
only do you get the cutest couplet in modern times that go by the name
of The Twins but throw on top of this Gigi Leung who had cornered the cuteness
market before the Twins came along and pilfered it from her. With more
mopey faces than a kennel of homeless puppies trying to get your attention,
Gigi does her best to top the Twins in the cute factor – but she is going
to have to keep those gigantic Uma Thurman like feet covered if she hopes
to do so. Even poor Donnie Yen is forced to join the cuteness sweepstakes
as he plays the piano with his mom – ah how sweet was that.
Now I have nothing against cuteness mind you –
how else could I explain having two DVDs of The Twins music videos – but
there has to be a limit to such things. To make a movie for cuteness sake
seems almost evil – like a world conspiracy to turn the human race into
soft and mushy legions of smiling zombies who only cross at green lights
and chat with over friendly waiters who drone on forever about today’s
specials. I think this cute disease began in Japan and has already taken
over much of Asia and is now spreading eastwards towards America. Maybe
this is the terrorism that Bush should be fighting against instead of in
Iraq – the real Axis of Evil are The Twins, Hello Kitty and female Japanese
elevator operators. Maybe instead of bombing Baghdad we should have taken
out that Hello Kitty factory and put a hit out on The Twins. When the aliens
finally do show up I have no doubt we will all gush at how cute they are
and soon be giving away replicas of them at McDonalds along with Happy
Meals as they take over our world. We have to stay tough and vigilant and
cuteness is getting in our way!
Still if you like cuteness shoved down your throat
like a feeding tube, this isn’t a bad example of it. The film is actually
mildly entertaining – I mean Charlene in a moustache smoking cigars – you
would have to be a troll not enjoy that – and little Gillian in a leg brace
– only the heartless would not go “oooh” as she struggles to smile that
adorable Gillian smile. And Louis Koo eating rooster balls with Gigi looking
on and making ewww faces – I mean that’s good stuff. And Charlene doing
her Sassy Girl imitation and making poor Louis sleep in the department
store in store pajamas and then later pretend to propose to her in public
– this is why I love movies for classic cute scenes like that. Ok – not
really – basically I ask myself (and you) why do they bother making films
like this – not that it’s bad or badly made – it’s not – but do we really
need sap filled treacle cupcakes such as this? Maybe. It goes down easily
enough – has a sweet taste – but you have to ask yourself why? It is especially
sad that this is being made by Dante Lam – a fellow who earlier made the
excellent Beast Cops and Jiang Hu: The Triad Zone and now the cinematic
climate in Hong Kong is such that he makes cute films. This along with
the fact that Lau Ching-wan seems to get stuck in one vapid romantic comedy
after another is a kick in the shins. Get back to making real movies guys.
So what’s it all about. Louis is one cheap guy
and romantic he is not. On Valentines Day he takes his long suffering girlfriend
Gigi out to dinner – after 9:30 when the hotpot dinners are all you can
eat for not very much. Here he samples those rooster balls and other delicacies,
but Gigi decides that’s it – she has had enough and asks to break up. They
decide to put their relationship on freeze until Easter and Louis takes
the time to figure out what went wrong. He goes back in his mind to three
previous relationships that didn’t work out - with Gillian, Rain
Li and Kathy Chow. It is not that difficult to figure it out really – Louis
is just rather a dull boy even if two of these girls threatened to kill
themselves over him. Gigi meanwhile is fending off creeps like Chan Fei-hung
who wants to buy her services as an escort – but she definitely becomes
interested in the very wealthy Donnie Yen who is attracted to her bumbling
ways. For help with his broken heart, Louis finds a Love ER on the Internet
who promises to help him figure it all out. This turns out to be Charlene
who admits to never having been in love but she has read all the romance
novels ever written. And it goes from there.
By the way this Kathy Chow is a different one
from the better known actress with the sexy overbite – that is Kathy Chow
Hoi-mei, while this one is Kathy Chow Man Kei and is a fashion model and
sister to the doe eyed Niki Chow. I would like to see more of her – she
was about the only person in the film who actually acted her age.
My rating for this film: 6.0 (after all my
griping this wasn't bad for what it was trying to be!)
For an article on the Cult of cutness, click
here.